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January 20th, 2010
12:10 am
I moved from Paris and am back in Madison. It's been alright here... kind of boring but that's just how this place is.
Still have to find a job. :( grah.
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December 4th, 2009
09:21 pm
> I fucking hate being poor. I can't even afford toilet paper or food. I've been eating Nutella out of the jar for three days. And to top it all off, I live in a country where I barely speak the language.
> I hate you. I fucking hate you, you fucking lunatic.
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December 1st, 2009
12:38 pm - To Do List for Winter:
1. Make snow angels.
2. Build a snowman.
3. Watch old christmas cartoons.
3. Go iceskating (Yes Robert, you have to come with me.)
4. Make hot apple cider. And eggnog with rum.
5. Drunken sledding. Elver!
6. Snowball Fight
7. Go snowboarding.
8. Dogsledding ^_^
9. Snowshoeing.... maybe.
10. Shove Robert in the snow.
11. Go see the lights at Champs Elysee.
12. Boat ride along the Seine.
13. Go to the top of the eiffle tower at night.
14. MAYBE... christmas carol singing.... but right now i'm leaning towards No.
15. Get a christmas tree.
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November 22nd, 2009
06:51 pm
"It was once said that the only philosophical question is whether or not to kill yourself.
I guess that makes me a philosopher..."
I smoke and I drink, and everytime I blink I have a tiny dream.
Can't sleep. Haunted by the past. Thousands of miles away... you can run but you can't hide.
As bad as I am i'm proud of the fact that i'm worse than I seem.
I can't go out there. He's out there. He wants my brains on the floor. He wants to pull my hair. He'll get blood all over my princess dress. It's grotesque, this place.
You walk through my walls like a ghost on TV. You penetrate.
I want to transcend.
My little pink heart is in it's little brown raft, floating out to sea.
Tell me that if I jump, i'll fly away. Like a bird. I want to fly.
And what can I do, but wallow in you, unintentionally?
The concept of freedom is a fairytale. Can't you feel this?
He's angry at me and I haven't the slightest idea why. And, I don't really care. He wasn't supposed to be with me, anyways. I just liked his spaghetti.
I had a party last night, with two other friends, for our birthdays. The neighbor lady went insane, i'm telling you. She was throwing bottles at people, and she came in and turned off all the power in my apartment. It was very mature behavior. And someone stole my Nutella :(
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November 18th, 2009
10:48 pm
I haven't slept in three days. And I don't mean I catch a few hours of shut eye a night. I mean I have not slept.... in three days... at all.
She fills my lungs with cement when I close my eyes.
I can't stop seeing.
I can't stop seeing...
No love, you're not alone. You're wonderful.
It keeps going going through my mind.
It's a rock and roll suicide.
Bowie should have been the answer to my prayers.
A pistol.
I'll go to the pagan shop and make my remedy. Special ingredients: Time Travel. Savagery.
I feel primitive. Raw with my bones and my dirty fingernails. Crude. Untamed -- like I popped Christ's cherry.
Tribalism is dead.
Individualist Anarchism?
Capitolizing... empires... all shoved together in the same rat hole, sewn together like rag dolls, but still so... alone.
Our own empty vessels.
What hope is there for the swine babies.
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November 12th, 2009
02:17 pm
I'm alone here.
I called people to hang out, but no one wants to waste their time on ghosts.
Can't blame them, I wouldn't be friends with me either.
No drugs to fill the empty spaces. No coke to shimmer through. No quaaludes to close my eyes. Indiscriminate angels. Sex veins....
It's like that Pink Floyd lyric... all you touch and all you see, is all your life will ever be.
Maybe i'm just meant to die young, like this, in the shadows.
Life is so mute, like butterfly sneezes. Creatures rotting in my skin. The sting of sad kisses. This sorrow is a vacuum.
Silent screams to keep me sane... such a prisoner. My ribs are my cell bars and my pain is my bed frame. My flesh is the mangled walls and my bastard heart is the shit that floats in the broken, metal toilet. Pathetic.
Sadness. Fury. Terror. Infantility. Soggy mind. Digested back bone. Regurgitated lethargy. Stale bed sheets. Closed blinds. Frigid coffee. Three dog night dream lands. Space's forlorn.
Collapsed child.
It.
Putrid hair. Pallid organs. Annilation waging war on my shadow. Expulsed out of paradise. Circles cast in sacrilege. Profane tongue. Desecrated heart beat. Blasphemous soul.
Their voices are gone.
Their hands burnt.
Faces melted.
I am in the valley.
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October 31st, 2009
10:07 am - Welcome to the circus...
So, I moved to Paris a month ago for school. This place is a completely different world. It's a perpetual dream. Oz. Wonderland. Bienvenue le cirque?
Madison and everyone there don't exist anymore. They're become fiction. Unreal. Nothing is the same here. The people, the booze, the men, the feeling. I can't feel connected to anything but this. I'm in love with my boyfriend, but not here. Two seperate lives. They don't even touch...
In Madison i'm the girl who is perfect together with Bear Rouse. Rages at punk shows. Finds the cocaine. Plays beer pong. Goes skinny dipping. Has a dog and lives in a nice house. Sees someone she knows everywhere she goes. Cruises a million miles an hour through dark streets. Visits her best friend in Jail. The girl who is garuanteed to get you into trouble if you want it.
In Paris i'm the girl with the Italian lover. Coffee drinker. Pub jumper. The girl who sleeps in a moldy basement for 800 euros a month. Washes her clothes in the shower. Dances in Saint Michel and kisses men with beautiful eyes in Oberkampf. Goes to boat parties on the Siene. Makes films. Wears red leather and bullet belts. Smokes pink cigarettes. Listens to Ludwig Van.
What do I want.
Current Location: Somewhere in Paris...
Current Music: Jacqueline Du Pre- Concerto for Cello and Orchestra in E minor
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September 18th, 2009
02:27 am
My boyfriend and I got into a fight last night, and it turned violent. I woke up with bruises all over my body and head.
I thought about crashing my car into a tree.
I don't know why I didn't.
I always figured that i'd die by one of three things:
1. Murder.
2. Suicide.
3. An overdose.
I don't expect to make it passed my mid-20's.
Goodnight moon.
Current Location: Lare.
Current Music: Rocket Man - Jason Mraz
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August 29th, 2009
05:10 pm
I'll never look like them.
I was fooling myself when I thought he thought I was beautiful...
How could anyone ever think I was enough.
What a joke.
Stupid little girl.
Current Music: Edith Piaf - Tu es Partout
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August 26th, 2009
04:16 pm - Writer's Block: On the Airwaves
I would definately have a punk rock radio station, just cause Madison, being the lame, frat boy infested place that it is, doesn't have one. I'd play old school punk, and local punk. Thrasher punk, oi punk, riot grrrl punk. All of it. And probably i'd mix in some bands like Alice in Chains and Iron Maiden, as well as some 80's hair metal and such things. And of course i'd play underground/old school hip hop like DangerDoom or A Tribe Called Quest. Yeah. I'd probably play some other 80's shit too like Siouxsie and the Banchees, or Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.
What would I call it? Hmmm....
Villain.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/sad.gif) bored
Current Music: Bikini Kill - Alien She
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05:39 am
My entire being was torn. Sadness. Fury. Terror. Infantility. Soggy mind. Digested back bone. Regurgitated lethargy. Stale bed sheets. Closed blinds. Frigid coffee. Three-dog night dream lands. Sacred Space’s forlorn. Collapsed child. Putrid hair. Pallid flesh. Annihilation waged war on my shadow. It was expulsed out of Paradise. Circles cast in sacrilege. Profane tongue. Desecrated heart beat. Blasphemous soul. Their voices were gone. Their hands burnt. Their faces melted. I was in the valley.
* I almost hit a dog driving home the other night. It ran in front of the car. I can't stop thinking about it, don't ask me why. It's bothersome.
Oh frustration. It's 5:30 in the morning, i've been writing for hours, and then my computer, of course, crashed, before I could save a good portion of what i'd written.
Fuck my Life.
Seriously.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/angry.gif) cranky
Current Music: Siouixsie and the Banchees - Venus and Furs
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August 20th, 2009
05:46 pm
There's nothing to write.
I do nothing.
I feel nothing.
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July 20th, 2009
01:51 am - Writer's Block: Family Heirlooms
Uh. Alcoholism... schizophrenia... lol just kidding.
But seriously.
Um a doll house.
Jewelry.
Paintings.
And such.
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June 20th, 2009
09:00 pm - Losery as hell.
Gauged my ears yesterday, got them pierced at an 8 and then stretched to a 6. Looks pretty flyyyyyy. John Kid is such an amazing piercer. I think he did all my piercings except for my lip.... which, unfortunately I have to get redone.
Me and Bear are fighting. Of course. Erggggggggggggggggg. What the fuck. I go home, and he's mad because he wanted to hang out later. But instead of telling me this before I left his house, he bitches at me about it on facebook.
I'm frustrated.
~Bitsy~
Current Location: Lare.
Current Mood: Frustrated.
Current Music: Black Flag - Nervous Breakdown.
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June 19th, 2009
06:25 am - Fuck.
I do not have any sleeping pills.
So, i've just been laying in bed all night, listening to my puppy snore, and the Madonna tape my friend left at my house.
No point in getting up, I haven't got any cigarettes.
I guess i've just been thinking about life.
Friendships.
Lovers.
Family.
Deaths.
Lives.
Kindness.
Cruelty.
Being underweight compared to being overweight.
Guilt. I have a problem with guilt.
The music I don't play.
The pieces of art I wish I painted.
I've got paint on my feet. What I painted was originally supposed to be an abstract of Bear, but just turned into an abstract nothing. Just paint on a canvas, but I suppose you could still call it art. Bad art, surely, but art all the same.
I watched The Man in the Iron Mask earlier and i've decided that I want to be a musketeer. Not to defend a kingdom, or a monarchy. Just to be one, for the sake of it. For the sake of All for one, one for all? I'm a dork. Whatever, I claim it.
Bear got me roses today. Three perfect red roses. They're on my dresser. They smell like the life I want.
I'm thinking too much. Of course. Always, always, always. Now all I can hear is "blah blah blah, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit."
My little black dog wants to go pee.
Must be going.
~Bitsy Bear~
Current Music: Madonna - Material Girl, Material World.
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June 18th, 2009
10:58 pm - No coffee. No mind.
People on this website give me a fucking head ache.
Forgot why I stopped using it to begin with.
Since when is arrogance a virtue anyways?
Conceded pricks just come out of the wood work on here.
Fuck it. Can't expect better I guess. Do what you do, if you're good at it.
Can't stop yawning, but no point in going to bed.
Insomnia is a biznitch.
Current Location: here.
Current Mood: contemplative.
Current Music: Cypress Hill - Insane in the Membrane....
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04:42 pm - First breath after a coma.
My first journal entry. Hmmm.
Well, I'm Bitsy, to all of you here in LJ land. Bitsy Bear.
I'm nineteen.
I come from a middle class home in Madison. Nice gardens. My parents are hippies. Buddhists, as well.
I'm the youngest of five kids.
I've got a boyfriend. I've got a few friends.
I'm not going to talk about the past. The past is irrelevant now.
I guess you could say i'm turning over a new leaf. Starting a new chapter. Painting my canvas white.
I did the whole college thing in Madison for awhile. Now i'm applying to a college in Paris, and hopefully will be able to fully leave all this behind.
Like it never even existed.
I have a lot of regrets. Guilt. Sadness. Happiness. Gratefulness. Remorse.
Hopefully one day soon that will all go away, and i'll be content with how things turned out, in the end.
~Bitsy Bear.
Current Location: The front porch.
Current Mood: Thoughtful.
Current Music: Blondie - 99 red balloons.
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cupcake_cyanide's journal